So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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