I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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