i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
