I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
