allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
