You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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