I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
