Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
