I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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