Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
