A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
