I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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