He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
