I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
