Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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