i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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