Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the day after is always just damage control
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
