He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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