i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
