Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
