It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
