it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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