Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
