i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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