he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
