You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
