3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
