How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
