i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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