are you so shy because you have an std?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
