I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
