I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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