Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
