I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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