He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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