At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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