I got her a Nickelback box set.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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