dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm really busy with my period
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