Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
