hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
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There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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