my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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