the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
