My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Randomize
