I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
