Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
