im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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