i dont even know how to be here
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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