Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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