I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
