Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.