my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.