wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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