Just fell off a train. Bad.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
