Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
