Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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