shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
