you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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