I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
