She is in my trunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
