I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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