a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
